Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Pass or Fail?

I can't decide if I'm more excited or nervous right now, I just know I feel like I'm going to throw up - our Home Study is tomorrow at two!!

I'm so exited that this is *finally* happening! We're one step closer to finding our child and I'm legit bouncing off the walls. My husband woke me up at five thirty this morning so I could go to the gym, and I passed on going (which, with all of this energy I now regret.). I've pretty much been up since then, only falling back asleep for a very brief section of time. I feel like I've slept for days!

No, I feel like I did in Sophomore year at college when a good friend of mine, Laurissa, and I stayed up for three days straight cramming for finals and making sure our sketchbooks were ready for all of our art finals. On that last day when my dad got to the school to get me, I hadn't slept in more than two hours and was starting to hallucinate big colorful circles spinning around my walls. I had drank so much coffee and double bagged cups of tea, eaten more chocolate covered espresso beans than I care to admit, and one giant (probably close to two pounds) hunk of Godiva chocolate that was swiped from a dessert table the day before at dinner in the dining hall. Man, was I wired!! He got me home and I crashed straight into my bed for the next sixteen hours. All I can remember is my two little sisters taking turns knocking on my door, their soft little voices asking "Chrissy? Are you awake yet? Are you ready to get up? We missed you!" and me telling them I would be up in a "few more minutes".

I feel like that, except the sleepy part. I'm just so freaking excited!

But then, I slow down and try to contain it. Then I get nervous. Is our home good enough? Are we good enough? We know the woman who is coming tomorrow, and she's very friendly and a super nice woman, but does she see flaws in us that she feels like we need to fix first before becoming parents? Will she think our dogs are too hyper active to have a child in our home? Will she like our neighborhood, or decide that the houses are too close together and that our yard is too tiny?

I'm so nervous. I'm so excited. Should I clean some more and get rid of this nervous energy? Maybe I could steam clean the carpet upstairs. I could go clean up the attic and the basement a bit more, I suppose. The dogs nose prints are all over the windows - they are constantly in the windows! Will she see them and think I don't clean? Or will she see them and see that we have good guard dogs who protect our home? Maybe the house is too clean. Maybe she'll think that we won't be able to deal with the messy lifestyle kids come with.

I know worrying will only get me so far, but at this point I just can't help it. It's so close! Just over twenty four hours away now. I know I probably won't sleep tonight, and I'm OK with that. There's enough that I can do to keep myself busy. I just need to keep those fears at bay until our home study falls into our hands like our report cards did back in school. That final note: Pass, or Fail?

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