Thursday, March 7, 2013


When you've finally come face to face with a friend or family members decision to adopt, it may be shocking to know, that if we haven't already told you we're infertile we probably don't want to talk about it. Sure, we know you're just trying to help and all, but would YOU want to talk about a bad oven, or maybe that your husband doesn't have Olympic swimmers? No. Of course you don't. No one does. It's one of those things that while it needs to be talked about, unless someone is incredibly open or has a really deep relationship with the person who's asking, it's uncomfortable at best. Painful at worst. It hurts to talk about it.

I can't even describe the pain I feel when someone asks "Why adoption? Have your own." How do I tell someone who is a casual acquaintance or a former co-worker  or whatever, that I can't, because the words most likely to follow are going to be a suggestion to see a specialist. This only leads to more pain, because, well, my infertility isn't something that can be fixed (at least with todays medicine) in a specialists office. Sure, there are gads and gads of medications they could give to me to try and fix the issue, but with my PCOS we run the crazy high risk of my ovaries blowing up like balloons at your kids last birthday party and strangulating. Now what good, I ask, could possibly come from that? A big, fat, nothing. You could say, hey, maybe it's your husband, not you. Sure, hypothetically that could be the issue. But again, suppose it is the case. Doctors STILL need to give me crazy medication to pop out a solid egg that they can surgically retrieve and manipulate his swimmers into. So, gonzo's to that one.

Another thing infertile couples run into more often than you would think, are the seemingly harmless statements of "God, my kids are driving me nuts," "If I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have kids," and the ever loving "Here, take my kid for a while. You'll change your mind." No, no and NO! Stop saying these things people!! Be grateful you can and did have children. You have amazing little miracles that love you to no end. Stop trying to pawn them off on people under the guise of "helping" with their need to care for a child. Stop saying you would undo it if you could. Stop telling us your kids make you crazy. You're complaining to the wrong people! These comments hurt us too, believe it or not. You're reminding us every time you say something like this that you don't want to deal with something we want more than anything and can't have.

I choose to be so open about everything my husband and I are going through, not for the sympathy, but for the awareness that it brings. When we created our GoFundMe account, we realized how much we were asking of people, and knew in our hearts that we would need to be open books when it came to our struggle. I keep writing, and probably upsetting a lot of people along the way, because if I don't, I find nasty comments from people who don't know us, like the comments a very close friend of mine received after he shared our link on a social networking site. Someone informed him that he shouldn't be sharing it because we were probably "scamming" people, and just trying to get "free money" from people. Things like this add so much fuel to fires that infertile couples and adoptive families try daily to extinguish. Adoption is so expensive if you choose not to deal with the constant headaches that foster-adopting offers. We aren't Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt. We can't afford to just write out a check and tell someone to get everything in order. We have to slog through things, doing things on our own, finding creative ways along the road to raise money for the processing fees associated with adopting. It's hard. It's a full time job. Without the generosity of family and friends, most people would never be able to afford adoption. I know we certainly wouldn't be able to any time in the near future, and probably not anytime within the next decade.

Moral and point of my rant? When you find a couple who has chosen the path of adoption, please, think twice before you open your mouths and try to be helpful and concerned. Just be the supportive friend who asks "What can I do for you?"

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